"God"

How old do you need to be to stop believing “Fairytales?”

A couple of thousand years ago this big Grey bearded bloke in the sky, who apparently created “Everything” (including Fred Goodwin), was taking a look at how it was all going. He peered down from his position of omnipotence and thought, “Hmmm, what the fuck is going on down there in that Arid barren place wot I Have Forsook” he saw a load of his less intelligent apes doing all sorts of shit to each other despite these other leather and steel clad, more advanced apes trying to bring some sort of order to the place.

He wasn’t amused at the dreadful sordid behaviour of these Dress wearing Bearded people (Long dress and beard in THIS heat!!, go figure) so he turned his eyes to other parts of the world he created. Yep, looks ok in the Americas all those nice Indians living in tune with the land. Europe looks a little rough but as I am all knowing, I know they will get it sorted pretty soon, a few thousand years mebbe.  Asia is odd! All those animals and they choose to eat the “Dogs”! Ah well, they are a pretty spiritual bunch, no real problems there……………. Oh well, back to the desert! (Note to self, must figure out why the pygmy’s are so small)

On the whole he (or she apparently!) was quite pleased with the world. There was plenty of water and food, you could breathe without masks, the smarter people had found the Marijuana and were NEVER going to be a threat to peace and stability, but those bloody Dune Dwellers were becoming a pain in the arse (Which he had already said “Don’t do”) he sat thinking for a while and hit upon a brilliant idea. He had always liked that Mary; she was a nice girl but Joseph! There were few enough trees already and he was making things out of them, will they never learn. He decided to sneak up on Mary and get her pregnant with a Son. It will work well because Joseph will get all jealous and leave her and the Lad will have loads of powers and persuasive arguments to bring the people back into line. There was a risk she would get stoned to death by the locals but at least she could come home early.

He decided to give the plan a little more thought. He was reasonably ok with the rest of the world, it had its problems but he didn’t think it warranted a visit. He decided his plan was ok as it was the where the worst shit was happening (no change there then)

He thought Mary might get a bit freaked by being pregnant so he decided to freak her out a bit more by sending Gabby down to explain everything. (We still don’t know why he/she has such a poor sense of humour!)Mary was freaked, mainly because Joseph still hadn’t fixed the table in the house and he WAS going to leave her!

God didn’t take into account “money”, money could do shit that you could see, right there and then. You could get a man to Beg for it, borrow it, save it, spend it, and worship it! And whenever you did ANY of those things for it……… stuff happened! No “rare as rocking horse shit” miracles here! It wasn’t much of a toss-up, Beggar would sit there praying for some guidance and help and wait………………..”Nothing” “Squat”, Nada” then a bloke comes along and throws down some coins! “God has answered my prayers!!! “NOPE” bloke with spare coins has answered your offensive presence, and waiting in the wings is a sanctimonious all in black clad tall hat wearing beardy smooth-talker who comes in for the kill. “It was God because he loves you”! “No shit” says the beggar, “then why doesn’t he help me get a job” cos now you want me to give you 50% of my takings and thank some imaginary being who seems to make sure “YOU” are doing ok while me, the poor sod who “Needs” help, has to beg! “Sounds like a vicious bloody circle to me” and how come you are spending it on bloody gold effigies and blocks of flats and fancy dud’s for yourself eh?

Now if I was a “Farmer” and grew meself some cabbages, you’d be stuffed wouldn’t you”? The “Smooth-talker” called him a heretic and had him killed, took the other 50% gave his clothes to some even poorer people, told them God had answered their prayers and so increased the income from recruiting more beggars. Got to admire the ingenuity of the system.

So, while all around, the “Chosen people” are lending, spending hoarding and generally breaking every rule in the Big Book, Mary is screaming down the stable (Nice one G, couldn’t even get them a decent room for the birth of your own Son! “Miracles Schmiricles”)  

pause.